Working With Others

I heard a story a while back that shows the power of a team , in an unexpected way. One member of a departmental team in a business organization had fallen on hard times. That person’s six-year-old daughter had a serious illness that really impacted his presence at work and his performance, and as a result, his team’s performance. Without any coaching from the team’s supervisor, the team came together for a meeting. They collectively realized that anyone of them could be in the other person’s shoes at some point in their lives, so they decided to do what it takes to carry this person’s load. In addition to covering the work responsibilities, they also collectively pooled their sick leave and vacation time to minimize for this person’s having to take days without pay at a time when he could least afford it. To make a long story short, his daughter completely recovered and as a result of their actions the team was stronger.

In looking at the relationships in your life do you have friends at work or in your personal life who would go to “hell and back for you when you are going through a rough time. I made a choice a long time ago that that was the kind of friend I wanted to be. I’ve certainly had my rough spots and my friends were there for me in many different ways. So when I tell someone, it is OK to call me anytime, I mean it. And what is important, it is not a quid pro quo kind of thing. It is just the right thing to do. In the above story, each team member was clear there was no other way they would have wanted to behave.

I have a few minutes before I head back home after doing two days of training and based on some of the emails I have received about yesterday’s blog “On Commitment, I think an addendum is appropriate.

I do believe that “a deal is a deal.  However, I also remember one thing that my father added.  Sometimes things come up.  Sometimes things change and the nature of the deal changes. Sometimes something gets in the way of following through on a commitment. In that case, as my father would say, you need to communicate that fact to the others involved.  If circumstances change, maybe the nature of the commitment (or the deal) needs to change as well.  To those who have emailed me, I hope this addition helps.

Whenever I work with a group around the topic of commitment, someone usually offers the following quote: “In a breakfast of ham and eggs, the chicken is involved and the pig is committed. And in the spirit of true confessions, I’ve also shared the same quote with organizations. And it has always bothered me because taken to its logical end, one could conclude, commitment involves death. That is a rather grim image of an otherwise honorable term.

So what is a good way to talk about commitment? One of the terms that my friends Will Stockton and Marjorie Herdes use is committed action. And I might add that Marjorie is quick to add as a corollary to the above quote that the pig was really coerced!

A few weeks ago I happened to catch the HBO documentary titled, “Brooklyn Dodgers – The Ghost of Flatbush. It is mostly about the love affair that the people of Brooklyn had with the Brooklyn Dodgers baseball team. Now for those of you who have a passing familiarity with the history of baseball, the residents of Brooklyn adored their Dodgers , even though they would repeatedly disappoint their fans , until, of course, 1955, when they finally won the World Series by defeating their hated rivals, the New York Yankees. In the documentary, when asked why after so many years of disappointment the fans would continue to support the Dodgers, one of the interviewees simply said, “You stick by your guys. In other words you hang in there through thick and thin because your guys are there for you and you are there for them , to accomplish something greater than any individual could. Brooklyn fans would refer to their team as “Dem Bums (there is a certain way of casting the English language that only people from Brooklyn know how to do) , and woe be tied to anyone not from Brooklyn who called the Dodgers bums. As loyal fans would say, “they may be bums but they are OUR bums¦

My father also had a way of talking about commitment. He would say, “a deal’s a deal. In other words, if you are member of a leadership team that agrees to a certain approach to move forward, you have made a deal with that team. And you stick by your guys (or girls!). If you renege on the deal , in my father’s frame of reference , that is one of the worst things a person could do because a deal is a deal. It does not entail death , but it is serious business. It does mean that you don’t let others down. It means you can count on each other!

Sometimes real life events stop us in our tracks. By now everyone has seen the reports of the tragic I-35W bridge collapse in Minneapolis, MN.  This event hit me personally because I lived in the Twin Cities for many years. And I have family and friends there. Of course, I wondered immediately if any of them were casualties of this catastrophic accident.  My stepdaughter called me to say she was fine.  And to report that my stepson and his family were also OK , even though they had just crossed this bridge a mere 5 minutes before the disaster. So far, many others have checked in to say they are OK as well.

I offer two observations.

First, the emergency response of the city of Minneapolis was incredible.  Law enforcement agencies and the fire department, and rescue squads worked in complete synchrony and were on the scene within minutes.  Hospitals were mobilized immediately.  And most importantly average citizens helped where they could.  All certainly worked well together.

Second, this event reminded me of just how fragile life is.  And that the ending of day can be quite different from its beginning.  I am reminded of a conversation I had with a professor of mine who told me after his wife died unexpectedly, “There were things I wished I would have said to my wife. If there is something you want to say to someone you care about, tell them.  Because you may never have that chance again.  So if there is someone you care about and there is a message you want to give that person, don’t wait.

During an otherwise low-key weekend, I happened to catch the movie “Coach Carter” on cable. For those of you who have not seen the movie, it is based on the true story of Ken Carter who coached the Richmond CA boy’s basketball team and received both praise and criticism for putting academics above athletics. At various times during the movie Coach Carter (played by Samuel L. Jackson) would ask his players, “What is your deepest fear? They would look at each other in bewilderment about what this crazy coach could be asking. In one poignant scene toward the end of the film, one of his players stands up in study hall and finally answers the Coach’s question:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us¦ Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you… 

This excerpt is a quote of Marianne Williamson. (Apparently this quote has been incorrectly attributed to the inaugural speech of Nelson Mandela.)

This quote really hits home for me. My friend and colleague, Linda Houden says that fear simply stands for “False Evidence Appearing Real. So what false evidence perpetuates our deepest fear “that we are powerful beyond measure?

Perhaps it is the messages that we received as children from parents or relatives that we weren’t good enough, or that we’d never amount to anything. Maybe we had a coach or teacher point out our flaws. (I once had a coach that told me I had deceptive speed , that I was slower than I looked. We actually laughed about this because (a) it was true and (b) I worked hard to compensate for it.) However, I not so sure these disparaging words are the culprit. There are people with whom I grew up and many whom I’ve met since who after hearing these words – did consider them as “false evidence and took an “I’ll show you attitude and made something of themselves.

I think it is something else. It is not fear of failure that plagues us. It is the fear of success. Over the past several years, I have noticed more and more people in organizations , for that matter, in any walk of life , who seemed to be afraid to succeed. They just have not yet seen how competent they really are and what they can accomplish. For some reason, their power scares them. It gets put away, never to show its face again. Perhaps there is a feeling that if their power scares them, it will scare others. What about the possibility of letting our power shine through in a way that helps others play better. As the quote says, “There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.” In reality, each one of us has a gift (or two) that we can put to the greater good of the world. The intensity of the power may scare us , but overcoming that deepest fear can be the best way to make a difference for all.

Author Jim Harrison has said that “when you are tracking a bear, pay attention; because the bear is. Think about how many things that we do on “automatic pilot. For example, how many of you have had the experience of driving a familiar route, arriving at your destination, and then remembering absolutely nothing about the details of the trip. And you end up wondering how did I even get here.

On Monday, I wrote about deliberation; today I would like to suggest that paying attention or focus is equally important. How often have we been in a meeting with someone who is trying to explain something to us, and we appear to be listening, but instead we are thinking about what we are going to say, or worse yet, thinking about how in the world we are going to get to our son or daughter’s soccer game in rush hour traffic.

So, pay attention, and see what becomes possible.

A friend remarks to the prophet, “Why is it
I get screwed in business deals?
It’s like a spell. I become distracted
by business talk and make wrong decisions.

Muhammad replies, “Stipulate with every transaction
that you need three days to make sure.

Deliberation is one of the qualities of God.
Throw a dog a bit of something.
He sniffs to see if he wants it.

Be that careful.
Sniff with your wisdom nose.
Get clear. Then decide.

The above passage is an excerpt from a longer poem by the 13th century Sufi mystic Jalaluddin Rumi that poet Coleman Barks brought to life in the Bill Moyer’s PBS series The Language of Life. Here are some thoughts for you to consider.

Our culture values decisiveness in our leaders. However, I think that there is a balance needed between acting too impulsively and succumbing to analysis paralysis and delaying a decision way too long. If we take this sage advice literally, it is suggesting simply to use three days to get clear and then decide. Certainly there are decisions that need to be made immediately because of the uncertainty and complexity of the world in which we live. However, three days , seventy-two hours , is a blip in time in the lifecycle of organizational life. Taking the time to deliberate may open the possibility of clarity in the situation that can lead to a course of action that builds commitment on the part of everyone who needs to implement the decision.

One more thing about deliberation. The simple act of deliberating slows us down and again can open the possibility of seeing a situation in a new way or even calming our racing minds so that we can actually make a better decision , or live more in tune with others. I live in an area of Albuquerque called the North Valley. It is a wonderful bucolic setting in the center of the city populated by groves of cottonwoods. It has small horse and live stock farms, vegetable fields that local growers tend, and a wonderful system of trails that border the irrigation ditches that bring water from the Rio Grande to these small farms and vineyards. Rio Grande Boulevard meanders from the northern border of the North Valley all the way to downtown. It is a peaceful drive that also provides a breathtaking view of the Sandia Mountains that border Albuquerque on the east. A neighbor of mine takes Rio Grande Boulevard to work each day rather than using a more speedy route. Why? Because it affords the opportunity to slow down, to be more deliberate about the day. How much longer does this commute take? Five minutes. So it seems to me the benefit of deliberation more than outweighs its cost. Do you agree?

My friend Andrue maintains that you can learn everything you really need to know about life from either a Broadway show or a TV sitcom.  Andrue can be very persuasive in making his case. Trust me on this one.

Given all of the chatter I hear from baby-boomer bosses about the twenty-somethings that they are managing, the lyrics of this song from Bye Bye Birdie popped into my head:

“Kids! What’s the matter with kids today? ¦ Why can’t they be like we were, happy in every way. What’s the matter with kids today?

Those lyrics sum up the message that many baby-boomer bosses are trying to give the youngest generation in the work force.  “If you would just get rid of your body piercings, cover your tattoos, and do exactly what we tell you to do, things between us would be much better.  “Things being much better, means life would be easier for me, the baby-boomer – not necessarily you the twenty-something.  What I think a lot of baby-boomers forget is that when we began our careers, our bosses commented on the “generation gap , the difference between how people who grew up during the depression and lived through Word War II saw the world and how the post World War II generation viewed things.

Twenty-somethings are not aliens.  The prevalence of technology and the “instant access to information, the educational philosophy of only providing positive feedback, and the violence of our world are only a few of events that have shaped this generation’s world-view.  Trying to understand the point of view of the twenty-somethings is much more constructive than demanding that they be more like the baby-boomers.

After a number of coaching sessions yesterday, I stopped by Page One , an independent bookstore in Albuquerque, NM.  While standing in the check out line, I noticed a rack of refrigerator magnets that had various inspirational quotes.  One by Carol Shields caught my eye:

“Go for long walks, indulge in hot baths, question your assumptions, be kind to yourself, live for the moment, loosen up, scream, curse the world, count your blessings, just let go, just be.

A common theme that I am hearing not only from clients, but also from some of my friends who are going through various transitions or dealing with difficult issues is the internal “should conversation as in “I should do this or I should do that.  When I ask, is the particular “should working for you, I usually hear a resounding “No!

After my wife Maureen died, I really wanted to sell our house because it was not the same living there without her. Just about all family and friends recited the mantra to me that “you SHOULD NOT make any major change in your life for at least a year. One exception was the facilitator of the grief support group I attended.  He told the story of a man who also wanted to sell his house right after his wife died.  After his family gave him the same “should statement, he got out a calendar and started crossing off each day and noting the “days remaining before I can sell my house.  When he reached the end of the year, he said to his family “are you happy I waited, I’m not. And he sold his house.  The point of the story was that he was psychologically ready to make the move long before what conventional wisdom said he should do.

For a lot of situations, we get constrained by assumptions, out-moded norms, and what other people tell us we should be doing.  So take a hot bath after your long walk and question those assumptions , in fact, try questioning everything.

The summer before my senior year at Princeton, I had an internship with a bank in Philadelphia.  My job was to do a market research project to determine how satisfied the bank’s trust customers were.  All in all, it was an interesting project and I felt like I did some meaningful work.  However, what I remember the most about that summer was not the nature of the work. It was the time I got chastised by a Senior VP for violating the dress code.

During that summer, I wore a suit everyday along with a starched dress shirt and tasteful necktie.  On this particular day, early on in my internship, I made a fateful mistake , I wore a pale blue dress shirt.  You see the bank required all male employees to wear WHITE dress shirts.  In fact, that practice was so inculcated into the culture, that everyone assumed I knew that!  Well, I did learn.

During my career have watched businesses move away from a coat and tie culture to a “business casual one. I recall when “business casual first appeared, many businesses really did not know what that meant.  One VP that I coached interpreted business casual to mean that it was now OK to wear a bowtie to the office!  There was a big fear, that if people started to dress less formally, it would impact the quality of work.  I don’t think that was ever the case.  In fact, to this day I maintain that I find it a lot easier to think if I am not being strangled by a tie!