Working With Others

In the movie, “When Harry Met Sally”, Harry tells Sally that there are two kinds of women: high maintenance women and low maintenance ones and that Sally is the worst because she is high maintenance but thinks she is low!

Through the years I have observed that the high maintenance/low maintenance designation is NOT gender specific. In the workplace there are employees that are high maintenance and low maintenance. Managers tend to like the low maintenance types who keep a low profile, do their jobs, and don’t necessarily ask questions – and don’t take up inordinate amounts of the manager’s time. In contrast, managers tend to view the high maintenance direct reports as demanding, hyper-sensitive, and time sinks, usually because they ask questions and demand more time from that supervisor. What a lot of managers miss is that sometimes, people who are inquisitive, want to learn more about why they are doing something, and want to develop will take more of the manager’s time and that’s part of the role of being a manager. The dirty little secret is that many of the twenty-somethings joining the work place now would be what Harry would call high maintenance people. If managers ignore the demands of this group, they may miss out on the talent that this youngest generation can bring. More about this later….

My friend Andrue maintains that you can learn everything you really need to know about life from either a Broadway show or a TV sitcom.  Andrue can be very persuasive in making his case. Trust me on this one.

Given all of the chatter I hear from baby-boomer bosses about the twenty-somethings that they are managing, the lyrics of this song from Bye Bye Birdie popped into my head:

“Kids! What’s the matter with kids today? ¦ Why can’t they be like we were, happy in every way. What’s the matter with kids today?

Those lyrics sum up the message that many baby-boomer bosses are trying to give the youngest generation in the work force.  “If you would just get rid of your body piercings, cover your tattoos, and do exactly what we tell you to do, things between us would be much better.  “Things being much better, means life would be easier for me, the baby-boomer – not necessarily you the twenty-something.  What I think a lot of baby-boomers forget is that when we began our careers, our bosses commented on the “generation gap , the difference between how people who grew up during the depression and lived through Word War II saw the world and how the post World War II generation viewed things.

Twenty-somethings are not aliens.  The prevalence of technology and the “instant access to information, the educational philosophy of only providing positive feedback, and the violence of our world are only a few of events that have shaped this generation’s world-view.  Trying to understand the point of view of the twenty-somethings is much more constructive than demanding that they be more like the baby-boomers.

I know I’ve written quite a bit about the youngest generation in the workplace , the millennials. I’m not trying to single them out or pick on them in anyway.  It’s just that there is quite a buzz about this generation of workers that seems to get louder.  Members of other generations , particularly Gen X and the Boomers , continually comment on the idiosyncrasies of the millennials. While they appreciate that generation’s ability to multi-task, its willingness to learn new things, and the techno-saavy it brings to workplace, the inability to accept criticism is what draws the most attention.  In fact, I recently received a request to develop a training module to help Boomer managers provide feedback to what has been dubbed “the praise generation.

For better or worse, the millennials are a product of an educational and parenting philosophy that holds that one should only give positive feedback because the greatest fear is damaging the individual’s self-esteem.  Now the millennial who has received all of this positive feedback comes face to face with a Boomer Manager who very simply , and not in a mean way, I might add , tells her that her performance is not meeting standards.  The feedback devastates the millennial who says something that is the equivalent of “I’ve never gotten less than an ˜A’ in my life.

A good way to provide feedback to this praise generation is to use the what’s working , what’s missing conversation.  The manager begins by saying here is what’s working well in the millennial’s performance (e.g., your written reports are always very thorough).  Then goes on to what’s missing , in other words, what is the element that needs to be present for the millennial to take his/her performance to the next level?  In this case, the manager might point out that what needs to be present is turning in the assignment on time.  Sometimes this approach will work.  However, be prepared for a “helicopter parent to request a meeting with you, the manager, if that parent thinks their little twenty-something adult has not received the exclusively positive feedback they so richly deserve!

Back in November 2006, MSNBC did a story on something called “Helicopter Parents , these are parents of the millennial generation who confront college professors when they believe their child was treated unfairly, prepare resumes when their offspring begin a job search, and have actually been known to try to negotiate compensation packages, and parachute into performance management conferences to go to bat for their “adult child!  On the Today Show this morning Matt Lauer interviewed Michelle Borba, an educational psychologist, on this phenomenon.  In short, Dr. Borba’s conclusion was that it is one thing to be involved in your child’s life and quite another to try to run it.  Her advice to helicopter parents:  “Back off!

I completely agree.  I am reminded of my days coaching traveling soccer and baseball about twenty years ago.  I loved working with the kids and teaching them how to play , particularly the subtleties of baseball.  Yet, I did not enjoy dealing with what I called “nightmare parents , those who would insert themselves into the situation and make my life and their son or daughter’s life miserable.

Now employers have to deal with parents who are managing the lives and careers of their adult children.  The scary part is that according to the research cited by Michelle Borba, 3 out of 4 children actually approve of their parents’ behavior and seem to be OK with one or both parents confronting their manager at the workplace.  Pushing this behavior to the extreme, what would happen when we elect a member of this millennial generation as President , does that mean the country will actually be run by their parents?  Think about the consequences of this behavior.  These “helicopter parents are creating an entire generation of people who will not be able to function independently in a healthy way in working with others.  It is time for employers to take a stand and stop this absurd behavior.

On a recent flight, I had an opportunity to read an issue of Poets and Writers which is a publication for , you guessed it – poets and writers. There was a quote that really struck me. “While every professional these days seems to have trouble finding a balance between work and life, the writer’s dilemma is more nuanced: to find a balance between the work one loves and the work that pays. Then today I happened to notice an article in USA Today about the gap in net worth between those in their 50’s and those in their 30’s. The article attributed the difference to the burden of student loans on the younger generation. And yesterday, on another flight, I sat next to young physician on her way to present a paper at a research conference who was lamenting about the student loans that she and her husband (also a doctor) face , the amount equivalent to that of a mortgage on an upscale house. So what do these separate events have in common?

I spend a lot of time in conversation with people in the world of work and I listen to their stories. The stories that I am hearing more frequently have to do with people really not liking what they do and yet feeling trapped by the necessity of paying the bills. Work life balance is a conversation that is heard very often and yet it seems to have a tacit assumption that one balances work (which is often not pleasant) with life (which is supposed to be). And we marvel at those who are fortunate enough to have found work that they enjoy and that allows them to pay the bills. So why can’t we find more satisfaction in our work lives? That is a question that I offer for your consideration.

From time to time I overhear twenty- and thirty-somethings casting aspersions on their boss by referring to that person as “old school.  I think this is code for “my boss is a hard-nosed ogre who is intolerant, inflexible, and resistant to change.

I have coached a number of these old school managers and while I agree that what’s missing from the managerial skillfulness of this group is more tolerance, flexibility, and openness to change, I do see a number of strengths that add value to the workplace.

First, they tend to be results driven.  If there are results to be achieved then they will deliver on what is expected.

Second, these old school ogres learned that credibility and trust are hard to earn so they make a habit of doing what they said they would do.  As one member of this group once said to me, “a deal’s a deal. They show up, they hang in there, they return phone calls, and they are reliable and dependable

Third, they have clear standards of performance for themselves and for those who work for them.  Some may object that these standards are too tough; however, they tend to enforce them fairly, and most times you will know where you stand.  And when they say “well done there may not be a lot of fanfare in how they say it, but they mean it.

Finally, most of this group typically have a short fuse with those who offer lame excuses, or worse yet, out and out lie when an assignment due date comes and goes.

So there are some desirable aspects of being old school.

OK, Boomers, this letter is for you.

Think back to your first job. Come on, you are not having a senior moment – you can do it.  When we (yes, I am a boomer) were first starting out, we had to do a lot of “grunt work.  You know the boring or sometimes unpleasant tasks that no one else wanted to do.  When we complained, we were told, “You have to pay your dues.

Now fast forward a few decades.  You are now the boss and one of the twenty-somethings who reports to you comes into your office and tells you that he/she is ready for a promotion and more responsibility.  You are shocked by the directness of the person and respond, “You have to pay your dues first. The millennial is now really annoyed by your dismissive response and you have no idea what you’ve done to get that person upset except to introduce the concept of dues paying before one is ready for a promotion.

Here is the reality.  To a millennial, paying dues is something you do to stay in the good graces of a membership organization; it is not about putting in time until it is “your turn for the promotion.  Millennials love to learn and when they have accomplished a task or completed a key project, they want to move up.  They do not understand the concept of having to wait a specified period of time for their turn.  When they think they are ready , they’re ready , and they will leave an organization that does not help them move up.

So here is a possibility for handling the situation differently.  When a twenty-something shows up asking for a promotion , and they will , try this approach.  Start by telling them all of the things that they are doing well.  Then share with them what competencies they will need to take on a higher role in the organization. In other words, what needs to be present for them to take on a new role? Finally , and this is the absolute most important part – tell them that YOU will help them get the experience to learn and practice those competencies so that they will be in a position to be promoted.  Then start right away helping them to learn and grow.  See how that approach works.

Last week a staffing company asked me to speak at their annual offsite retreat about generational issues in the workplace. My colleague Wendy Shannon and I have been co-presenting on the four generations in the workforce for about a year now and in that time have learned quite a bit to share with those interested in this topic. The majority of the audience were members of the “boomer generation (i.e., those born between 1946 and 1964) and they had lots of questions about the millennials – aka Gen Y- (i.e., those born from 1980 on). These two generations have their challenges when it comes to getting along with each other, so I thought I would post a series of open letters to members of both these generations to suggest possibilities for how to improve the working relationships between each one.

I’ve addressed the first letter to the millennials. So for all you twenty-somethings out there , this letter is for you.

First of all, challenges that people from different generations have in understanding each other are not new. When I was your age, my parents called it the “generation gap. They didn’t understand our music, our long hair, and the way we talked. Some of the boomers that you work for tell me that they don’t understand your music, your tattoos and body piercings, and the way you talk. I try to remind the boomers that our parents said almost the same thing. It’s really about self-expression.

Expressing one’s individuality is great. We just need to keep in mind how that self-expression may effect other people. I had an internship at a bank in Philadelphia during the summer before my senior year in college. Long hair was a no-no and a suit and tie was the required uniform of the day , this was long before “business casual hit the fashion radar screen. One day I showed up wearing a blue dress shirt thinking nothing of it. One of the senior vice-presidents noticed how I was dressed and informed me that only WHITE dress shirts were acceptable and was actually quite dismayed by the way I dressed. I hadn’t thought that I’d cause such a stir about such a thing as a blue dress shirt. Yet, I learned from the experience. As infrequently as I wear a necktie today , I found I think a lot better when I’m not being strangled , I also know that sometimes I need to adapt how I look to fit the circumstances.

In social psychology there is a long history of study on something called attribution theory that says that we tend to attribute certain beliefs, attitudes, and values to others based on how they look and sometimes speak. Let me be clear. I am not suggesting that you get laser treatments to erase your body ink or that you remove the piercings that everyone can see. What I do encourage you to do is to just take the “other’s point of view and try to understand the impact of how you look, how you speak, and how you generally present yourself can have on how others see you.